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When Baby Makes Four or Five or More
When Mom becomes pregnant with her second child, a lot of parents sugarcoat the news about the new baby. “They say, ‘You’re going to have a new brother or sister, and you’re just going to love it,’ ” Fay said. “That might happen, but it’s better to sit the child down and say there’s a new baby coming, you didn’t get to vote on it, it’s going to be hard work, there will be a lot of noise and crying, and you’ll feel like you are left out often. We don’t want that to happen, and we want a signal from you when you feel you want more of Mom’s or Dad’s time. Give the child some control. Sibling rivalry is not called that for nothing. The way we start out lasts a lifetime. Resentment can stick around forever. The more kids feel connected to parents, the less likely they are to have sibling rivalry.”

Like Elias, Fay urges parents to value the differences between their kids. “Too many parents harbor the fantasy that their kids will be alike. Far more are different than alike. The gene pool goes back for generations.”

When setting up an intentional eavesdropping lesson for the kids, talk about values. “For instance, tell a friend within earshot of the kids that you lied about something at work, but eventually, you told the truth and you feel much better about it.” That kind of lesson will stick with the kid for life,” Fay said.

Parents also could try praising their children in front of friends while they are in the next room. “Tell them Jason is good with his hands, he’ll probably build something important someday, or Sonia is great with words – focus on their strengths.”

Diminishing Sibling Hostility
There will be bickering and fighting, but it’s important to discourage the perpetrator and the victim scenario. “Most times, you aren’t there to see who started what,” Fay said. When the fight scene is played out in front of parents, Fay advises saying: “Hey guys, take it somewhere else and work it out” instead of “Be nicer to your little brother.”

If they use their fists, say, “How sad. I’m sure glad Mom and Dad don’t work things out like that.” He then suggests saying, “Guys, do you want to stop that or would you rather pay us to listen to it?” Don’t nag, but delay the consequences until the children have cooled off, then say, “Remember, I asked you to quit fighting? Here’s how you will pay us back. There are some chores I was going to do, but instead I worried about your fighting, so you can do these jobs now to make up for my energy drain worrying about your fighting.” Work with kids when they are calm. The mistake is to deal with them when everyone is in an emotional state. Things get worse and resentment builds,” he notes.

Kurcinka urges parents to demand that their children listen to one another. She has seen families in which siblings are not allowed to fight. “The issues just get bigger, and nobody develops skills to resolve them. “When kids fight, they practice negotiating and getting along with different people. She thinks her 17-year-old daughter and 21-year-old son get along well together now because they did fight.

On the topic of chores, the “Love and Logic” staff tells parents that children have a basic need to belong and get that by doing their fair share of work in the home. “Many parents will say to us, ‘I’ve never asked anything of him and have given him everything.’ Well, he’s not an honored guest in the home. You’ve taken away his basic need. By age 7, children should have daily chores they are not paid for, such as yard work or dusting. By age 9, they should be responsible for one simple family meal a week, Fay said.

Parents focused on fostering sibling relationships may not be giving their children what they need. Fay suggests asking yourself, “Have I given my children the skills, attitudes and beliefs to be self-sufficient, ethical, responsible individuals? If so, I’ve been one heck of a parent.”

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